I suppose I should be able to start this entry with “Happy New Year – 2012! It’s off to a great start!” … but my start wasn’t so great.
My vacation for Christmas went so well. I announced that James and I were having a baby and gave my parents grandparent items. Everyone was so happy and congratulated us – the baby of the family was having a baby.
New Year came and James and I drove back to TX. When we got home, I had a minor scare and called the Dr. They dismissed it as it was a normal thing and I still felt fine. Then, last Friday, the 6th, I had another scare… it was worse than before, but I still felt fine – no pain, no weird feelings, just… fine. But this time it freaked me out so much I requested to go in. They scheduled me for 11AM ultrasound.
After feeling impatient, it was finally my turn to go in and I was hoping everything was fine. I had no reason to worry. I had felt fine from day one. At first she tried to use one tool, thinking I should be far enough along that she could use it. She couldn’t see the fetus so she had to use the other tool. It took me all of 2 seconds to realize that there was no fluttering on the screen. My heart sank as I realized that my little one was no longer with me. She then tried to use the sound, but nothing was there and she declared that I had a missed miscarriage. According to the size I had miscarried almost 2 weeks 3 days before – just about 1 week before Christmas… before I even left for vacation and announced it to everyone. My body, obviously, hadn’t really caught on to this fact. But now that I think of it, I could see the signs were going away over the vacation.
The whole time I never had any symptoms. I guess that should have been my first clue something wasn’t right. I had, at most, tiredness. Nothing else. At first I thought I was just lucky, but having done some research, it’s usually not a great sign. It means I might not have had enough progesterone in my system. Apparently if you have even mild nausea or even full blown morning sickness, that’s a good sign that things are going great. Now, you don’t HAVE to have it, but studies have shown that women that had those symptoms were more likely to carry to term. Another thing I should have noticed, was during Christmas. I had an easier time sleeping on my stomach and certain things were less sore. All symptoms that things had… stopped.
After talking with my OB, we decided it would be best (both physically and mentally) to have a D&C. She scheduled me for 4PM that day and I had to be in at 2. I immediately called James and told him the unfortunate news. He got to the hospital in time for my appointment and they got me all checked in. After I got all set up and it was time to go back, the last thing I remember is being wheeled out into the hallway right after James kissed me. Next thing I know I’m waking up to someone moaning down across the room and my nurse typing at the computer next to me. She was very funny and was surprised at how quickly I woke up. Apparently I do very well with anesthesia, thought this time it made me nauseous any time I sat up.
James then took me home and we just sat on the couch and watched TV. We didn’t end up crying much until the next day when things really set in.
I personally think that it hit James harder than it hit me. I think on some level my subconscious kinda knew what happened and so it was easier for me to face it. For James, it was like a slap across the face. I think over the vacation it had finally sunk in that he was going to be a dad but then just a few weeks later, all of a sudden, he wasn’t. And because of that, the majority of the times I’ve cried is not for me, but for James and my parents. I really really hate seeing James so upset. It really breaks my heart and I don’t know what to do to make it better. All I can do is sit with him and hug him. I just wish I could do more.
When we finally got to the point where we didn’t cry all the time, we decided to look up how others handled miscarriage. What did other people do? We found that most people buy or plant something in memory so I had started looking for jewelry for myself or a placard or something we could put in our garden. I then got an idea using something we already had.
I had told James a day before our actual anniversary (cause I couldn’t wait one more stinkin’ day) that I was pregnant. He actually hadn’t gotten me anything yet so when he did go shopping he had bought two things – earrings with rubies (July’s birthstone and the supposed due date for the baby) and a Pandora charm necklace with a little heart charm. He hadn’t intended the heart charm to be for the baby but I figured, since it was bought about that time and I had told him, the charm now stood for the little heart that I had with me that day. I then got the idea to buy two charms for my necklace – turquoise for December, when it had actually left our little world, and ruby for July, when it was due to enter this world. It took all weekend but we finally found the charms. Now I wear the necklace every day.
Believe it or not, buying the charms was very helpful to me. It kind of gave me closure. I think James still needs something, though. I think he wants to give the little one a unisex name like we had read that someone did in one of the forums as the one and only thing that we can give to him/her. I think I’ll leave it up to James to pick a name. 
I think it will really help him just like the necklace helped me.
Now I can’t wait for the 20th. That’s when I go get my check up from the D&C. At that visit Dr. Choudhry will be able to tell me when we can try again. (Well… actually try next time. Last time we didn’t try.) She is very certain that things will go better next time. Apparently you are more likely to miscarry on your first than on your second. And since I already had gotten pregnant once, that means I’m not infertile and that we can have kids.
In preparation for next time, the Drs have kept me on the prenatals and on the higher dose of synthroid. James and I are also trying to prep too. We’re taking eating better more seriously as well as more exercise and establishing good habits. James won’t even let me clean the cat boxes still as he doesn’t want me to be in a “bad habit” for the next one. Lol. He’s so into the prepping that I’m surprised he let me have fish for dinner the other night. Lol.
Needless to say, we’ll be OK. And things should be better next time around, though we are taking all the precautions we can. I doesn’t help, though, that I am impatient. I want to try right now. Lol. But of course I have to wait for my Dr. to give the OK… Only 10 more days til my Dr appointment… Oi. lol.
.::~In Memory of Baby Melsha ~::.
